Well, it’s been a little while since I last posted, just over a week at that (but no one read that so who really cares). I had planned to write something new at many different points during that period, but recently I feel like my life has hit its lowest point, probably ever. The very next day after that last entry two Saturdays ago, I had to endure parental scolding on the way back to school as we reflected on the past year. Note, I already felt bad myself regarding my performance in sophomore year. While it wasn’t terrible, my GPA fell from over 3.8 to under 3.5, meaning I won’t retain a position on the honours list this year (I was awarded magna cum laude after freshman year). This was the result of multiple factors including lack of motivation, poor time management, a tedious election campaign, and my overall mental health. So, having already engraved in my mind that I have to and will do better in this new school year, the conversation in the car felt like another arrow in the back, leaving me silent and motionless for the last hour of the journey.
Now, having settled on dorm, things got so much worse. I don’t plan to be long with this post, so I’ll try to give a synopsis as best as possible. Simply put, I lost out on my first love, and it has placed me in an extremely comfortable position. Firstly, that L word is not one I use lightly, so I really mean what I’m saying here. This is a girl I really admire, one that I cherish every interaction with and someone who has been one of my best friends since I started university. Her birthday came in the first week of the semester which encouraged me to return to school on August 25 (although I also needed to be on the ball with classes from the get-go, as a science student). In the summer, I had worked on getting her a few thoughtful gifts for her special day, and for the most part, I was able to pull them off. But little did I know that while I was doing all that, someone else was pushing chat to the lady in question, and by the time I was back on campus, it quickly became clear that it was already too late…
Heartbroken is an understatement for my current state, in all honesty. I was so emotionally attached to this girl that I am now facing the extreme consequences of being so invested. I really don’t know what the alternative could’ve been, though. She’s been a beacon in my life from the day I met her, and her energy and optimism are unlike anything I’ve ever experienced first-hand. But now it all doesn’t matter; the dynamic has changed, and with each passing day, the healing process feels more and more difficult. This just adds on to what has been a very difficult year, one in which I’ve had to hide my sorrows and maintain a façade of contentment even when I’m not truly happy, and haven’t been for quite a while💔.
I know you're not feeling good now, Nathan, but things will eventually get better.